Last week, I had a really bad day.
It started off fine. My
somewhat ambitious to-do list was made, my evening plans with friends were set, and I actually did my hair/make-up and wore an outfit consisting of something other than my usual weekday attire of a t-shirt, leggings, and Birkenstocks/running shoes.
For me, pretty much every day is centered around working on my music. I do have a part-time job, so the days that I waitress are not quite as focused, as five to six hours in the middle of my day are spent at the restaurant, but still: I always have an agenda. My days off, especially during the week (I give myself a little bit more leisure on Saturdays and Sundays), are structured and driven by what I need to get done, whether it be working on new songs, rehearsing for gigs, shooting videos, writing blog posts, sending emails, etc. Everything revolves around the dream – my dream – a dream that is not particularly steady in money or progress, with a totally indefinite future of whether or not I can be successful. But hey, I knew all of this going in.
In a cloud of uncertainty, this truth floats over my head every day. When I’m lucky, it’s white and fluffy, with the sun peeking over its billowy shoulder. Other times, it rains. Though this sounds quite cliché, I have to be truthful: on this particularly bad day, it poured.
I am an emotional person. When I get stressed out, whether it be about my career or my choices or anything in my personal life, I get really emotional. My defense mechanism, a lousy one at that, is to cry. I cry about everything. I cry when I’m sad, angry, frustrated, really happy, socially awkward, fearful – pretty much ANY emotion other than peaceful content – I cry.
On this day, I cried a lot.
It triggered in the early afternoon. Working on music stuff, combined with some things going on in my personal life, a depression seemed to settle over me all of a sudden, accompanied by a thunderstorm of panic, over-thinking, insecurity, and doubt.
Why did I pick this career?
Why did I choose to follow a dream so daunting?
Why did I ever think I could be successful in this industry?
Why is this happening right now?
These thoughts meandered in like snakes, slithering into the dark corners of my mind; I tried to ignore them, but they arrived, coiling themselves around my thoughts and squeezing the life out of them.
I felt myself sink. I cried. I sobbed. I prayed. I cried more. I tried to breathe. Eventually, I pulled it together. I bought myself Chick Fil A. I spent time with friends. The tears jerked here and there, but I kept myself calm. I made it through.
It’s difficult for me to even go into the brutal details that made this day so bad, but I suppose I’m writing this simply to unload my feelings over it, and recognize the fact that, even though it felt really terrible in the moment, it passed. If you’ve ever had a day like this, or are having a day like this right now, please know that it will pass for you too.
How do I know this?
The day following my very bad day was much, much better. I was productive! I reevaluated my goals. I made new to-do lists. I prayed, a lot. I let my fears and insecurities float up to God. There were still some tears, but I felt a sense of empowerment as I pushed through and carried on and refused to surrender, despite everything I had gone through. I talked about a similar concept in my post about anxiety, but these bad days come in a wave – they creep up, they rise, they crash, and they roll away. And on the other side, I am still breathing.
Today is Monday, a new day to start fresh, and a new week filled with so much potential for productivity and positivity that is pushed by passion. Not every day will be fabulous – much like my very bad day, some will storm – but others will be sunny and dazzling and bright.
Hold out for those days, work hard for those days, and push through for those days.
Clear skies are coming.
Happy Monday, friends. Much love.
© Kate Stedelbauer and AbundantlyKate, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Kate Stedelbauer and AbundantlyKate with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.